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11:57

Everyone Dies Alone

Seven days ago,

I left the umptieth home

I’ve ever known

Four or five real good frien’s
And close family
All feel like illusions

Being sent away
Scattered to the winds
By an invisible hand
Something you wouldn’t understand
Entropy
Cause and effect
A maskless, but faceless entity
That always wins

And there is a closure in the helplessness

This is the pattern of my life

Short tour and leave
A comforting fresh start
A restart on the heart
A chance to make friends and family anew
New plans
New betrayals
A pattern that ebbs from new to great strife
All somehow colored in a rainbow hue

But I’m not a kid anymore

The hand isn’t the broken
Tragically innocent, misspoken
Horrific shamble of my father
He was told where to go, too
What to say
What to do
Maybe who to kill-
Maybe he'd've killed me, too
But this is my choice now
And I chose to follow
The puppetmaster’s strings where it will

I had a good life, y’know
A great life, I promise-
Met the man of my dreams
Treated me like a prince
A man I truly loved to kiss
 
I threw it all away
And felt closure in the helplessness
 
It had become something sad
In my defense
There’s some recompense
In the tries that I had
Made- devoted and forthright
I fought with all my might
Some demons I never knew I had
And even then some kept dormant
Some I turned back into that deep sleep
And never once did I weep
For him

And then, full of confidence

I began a journey to providence
Before my journey East, I was
Beginning to know me
Learn things about me
Things I never knew could be

I was so damn charming

Everyone thinks I’m handsome
Witty, affectionate,
I’ll hold your heart ransom
But I’ll give it back
All I want is a kiss
Suddenly a kiss is bliss
Not just for your future husband
Not just for only the One
But a gift, wanton kindness

I could turn guys down

I did turn guys down
I had been turned down
I took it with no skin off my back
All the more pride got me wound-

-up facing a borderline personality

Turned my stomach and heart
Wringed them out,
Out came butterflies
A powerful hit of enamored love
I hadn’t felt since high school
He made me feel so high and cool
Until the mind games start

I survived that experience

By the skin of my teeth
But was it all lies?
Was I all lies?
Am I not a series of frauds in a wreath
Of terrorizing, selfish gloat and self
Congratulating clout
So far I fell
Look how I turned out 

A whore and a spinster

Something again neurotic
But more sinister
All I did was hurt ‘him’, right?
Yelled, screamed, desecrated his safe space
And tried to deny him my Mr. Right

By what right

Did I think I could turn love
Into something so trite
And flightless
Horseshit and catpiss
Breaking down into Tourett's and neurosis
Psychosis, narcissism, and sociopathy
He awoke a passion and love
Deep down inside me
And all the demon’s down below awoke, too

And it’s strange, but there’s no closure in this helplessness

All that bright sunny outlook

The dreams, reignited, that took
Eight years, three LTRs
Maybe 15 or so hookups
Lathered in sin and confusion
Three or so rejections
And the three breakups
I initiated
All this culminated into
A beautiful prism of possibility
Shattered

And I’m cutting my fingers trying to pick up the pieces

Feeling eyes watching
Noticing, judging
As I drove East, and after I’ve arrived
I’m so caught up in woe- I just try to pick up more pieces

Cradling them close

They cut me deeper
And I close
My eyes
And remember God in a whimper
Long ago, He and I were close

I’m doing it now- thoughts up to heaven

I used to do it all the time and this
Is just another one
One of a million
But please God
Make this prayer come to fruition
I thought I was a good kid
Seriously, God
Pick one, just one,
Any one of those millions
Tell me I did the right thing
One right thing
That I was a good kid

All I wanted to do

All I want to do
Is do the right thing
Something honest and unselfish
Something good and pure
I promise
But I can’t see anything

The road is dark in its

Sunpathed path
I feel cold and stark with this
Fever in my heart
My muscles and thoughts are numb
But the tears start collecting anyways

Welcoming in kind, regrets

A family reunion
Of coalescing memories and dreams
Drowned in communion
A coagulation of total and epic loss
Time- What you can never get back
You’re a fuck up
They all turn to say
Simultaneously
Do you even know how to spell that word?
Or is it just that spell check is so easy
Microsoft Word
Easy to write when a computer will polish your turd
For you

So crass

Really mature
Excuse me alter ego
Id, super ego, whatever, but
The superhero
In me
Would like to believe

I’m stronger, smarter, and

Cooler than to resort to that nonsense

So much responsibility

To do the right thing…
No wonder you’re crying
Pitiless, empty, weeping
Alone, in my car,
And God says nothing

I just want to be free

I just want to be me
But who the hell am I?
And seriously
What’s the point- if I don’t know that
How the fuck am I supposed to try?
 
And all of this convoluted mess
Most of it I made- is made of myself
I confess it- I’m not good at this shit
Why can’t there just be an
Invisible hand
That will guide me back
 
To when I was happy
Was that an illusion, too?

Fuck this shit

This day’s about me
About the foolish
Selfishness
That I call tenacity
I’m crazed and neurotic
A survivor and a child
Spastic, scarred, and scared
Hungry, lonely, but prepared
And feral; with integrity but wild

One day I’ll rise above this

With holler, whimper, or a kiss
Some deep, dark, and weak wish
That one day I’ll be happy
By hook or crook
My future blinded by the pasts that you all shook
But mine

And happy

I accept no responsibility

And I pray I’ll find closure in that helplessness